Comic Cooking: The B.A.C.O.N. Project #1
What makes everything better, even Christmas? BACON! Enjoy a classic Comic Cooking featuring everyone’s favorite, bacon!!!
[Editors note: this madness was originally published on Jul 10, 2006]
The B.A.C.O.N. Project- 07 10 06
Hello citizens of the Internet and hungry souls alike. Welcome back to “Comic Cooking”and my most ingenious plan to date! Our in-house Chef Sharis Van Sciver typically joins me but today, I have worked out a more efficient way of doing business. Through a series of complex operations and questionable science, I, Sean Boyle, was finally able to bridge the gap between human life and artificial intelligence.
I would like you all to meet the ultimate device in Bacon cookery and recipe developing, model Sharis MK1! Project B.A.C.O.N. (Boyles Autonomous Chef and Omniversal Numbunny) has been in the works for quite a while now, and I have finally made my breakthrough. This “new” Sharis can develop new recipes at an unbelievably high quality. She restlessly cooks, cleans, takes care of her and her neighbors children; all things that the regular Sharis Van Sciver did, but this time she does not sleep or make pessimistic jokes!
So, without further adieu, what sort of tasty things do you have for us?
Several-sets-of-instructions-for-Human-sustinence
-centrally-supported-by-back-and-sides-of-a-hog-salted -and-dried-or-smoked. Humans-refer-to-this-as-Bacon. All-data-requisitioned-under-strict-order-of- Master-Sean-Boyle-and-The-Bacon-League.
Perfection!
Error: decomposing-body-of-B.A.C.O.N.-predecessor-Sharis-The-Bunny- must-be-immediately-disposed-of. Please-enter-exact-coordinates-to-begin-Operation-Bunny-Disposal.
B.A.C.O.N. is waiting for command:
Model Sharis, do not decompose body. Ethan may want to pick that up at some point. Please place it somewhere in the meat locker.
Affirmative. Command/Execute:
Now Sister Sharis, let us begin with your test run. I need something with Bacon that would delight a potential date.
B.A.C.O.N. is thinking:
PASTA CARBONARA
I-have-a-set-of-instructions-for-seared-porcine-buttocks. It-is-to-be-combined-with-bovine-excretions-hot- spices-and-a-plant-known-for-its-malodorous- effect-on-human-breath. An-alimentary-paste-made-with-flour- semolina-and-eggs-is-then-submerged-in-boiling-water- and-drained-to-ready-it-for-merging-with-the- aforementioned-mixture. It-is-known-as-Pasta-Carbonara. Humans-will-partake-and-enjoy.
1 pound fettuccine. Use FRESH pasta, available at local Italian markets. It makes such a difference!
1/4 cup olive oil
3-4 garlic cloves, minced
2 cans quartered artichoke hearts, drained.
1 1/2 cups crumbled Gorgonzola cheese;about 6 ounces (its stinky cheese, so you may want to ventilate).
1 cup heavy, whipping cream
1 cup half and half
1 teaspoon dried, crushed, red pepper flakes
1 teaspoon ground white pepper. You can substitute ground black pepper also.
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 large eggs, beaten
12 slices bacon, Pancetta (Italian Bacon) cut into 1-inch pieces. If you can not get Pancetta, use regular bacon, cooked until crispy, and then crumbled.
1 cup grated Parmesan and Romano cheeses (about 3 ounces)
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley. NOT Mexican Parsley, which is actually Cilantro, and will ruin the flavors of this dish.
Cook pasta in heavy large pot of boiling salted water until tender but still firm to bite. Drain well, reserving 1/2 cup pasta cooking liquid.
Meanwhile, heat olive oil in heavy, large pot over medium-high heat. Add garlic and sauté 2 minutes. Add artichoke hearts; sauté 5 minutes. Add 1/2 cup Gorgonzola cheese, cream, half and half, crushed red pepper, black pepper and salt and simmer until sauce thickens, about 5 minutes.
Add hot pasta to sauce and toss to coat. Remove from heat. Add eggs to pasta and toss well. This will help the pasta grab onto the creamy sauce. Add bacon, 1/2 cup Gorgonzola, 1/2 cup Parmesan/Romano cheese and parsley and toss to incorporate. Add reserved pasta cooking liquid to thin sauce, if desired. Sprinkle remaining 1/2 cup Gorgonzola and 1/2 cup Parmesan/Romano cheese over pasta and serve.
Make 4-6 servings.
Ahahahaha! Excellent, we have bridged the gap between effeminate Italian food and hearty Bacon! Sister Sharis, crack me a beer and give us another recipe, possibly something a little more beefy …
Error:/ No-known-bovine-meat-products-or-byproducts- incorporated-into-Master-Boyle’s-fermented-grain-beverage.
Error:/ B.A.C.O.N.’s-prime-directive-is-to-list- human-consumables-containing-high-percentages-of-porcine-meat-products-and-byproducts. No-known-bovine-entries.
Blast! I guess that is a bug I’ll have to deal with later. I’ll grab the darned beer myself. Quickly, another recipe!
B.A.C.O.N.-is-thinking:
Scanning-Bunny’s-recipe-indexes:
High-bovine-content-item-found! Extracting information:
CHEESE-STUFFED BACON BURGERS
(Side note: this is the debut of Sharis’ own personal secret recipe. Great warriors have killed for less. Enjoy!)
1 lb lean ground beef or lamb.
1 packet Onion Soup dry mix
1 packet Garlic-and-Herb dry mix.
2 cloves garlic, minced
œ shallot, also minced.
3 Tbsp -your choice- one of: Worcestershire, BBQ, Bourbon Marinade, Teriyaki, or A-1.
1 Tbsp Dijon-style mustard.
One package thick-sliced bacon, cooked to your preference.
About œ lb cheese, cubed into 1-inch pieces, your choice of the following varieties: Cheddar, Colby/jack, horseradish cheddar, mozzarella, butter kase, muenster, jarlsburg, Swiss, or if youre adventurous enough, Brie or Saga Bleu.
Heat skillet on med-low with just enough butter or olive oil to coat the bottom lightly. Add shallots and garlic. Sauté until just starting to turn golden and quickly remove from pan. (They tend to burn quickly and easily.)
In a large, non-porous bowl, place ALL the ingredients together and roll up your sleeves. Knead everything into the meat until well incorporated. Its messy, its gross, but it feels strangely satisfying. Separate the meat into individual burger-sized portions. (Ive seen them go up to a full pound before, but anything larger than that, I absolve myself of whatever happens to your health!)
Take each burger portion and roll it into a ball. With your finger, poke a tunnel to half-way through, and insert a good amount of cheese. Roll ball again so that the tunnel is closed, and then flatten into a patty shape. You should have a burger patty with cheese stuffed squarely in the center, taking up most of the burgers insides. Grill or fry until at least medium-rare so that the cheese gets all gooey and melty inside. Top with lots of bacon and a few more slices of cheese. Add condiments and a warm, toasty bun and youve got Heaven in the palm of your hand!
I dont know how many servings this makes, because I have no idea how big you make your burgers. I can usually get about 4-6 bun-sized burgers out of this.
Sister Sharis! It has occurred to me that we still have quite a bit of pig left. What, pray tell, should we do?!
B.A.C.O.N.-is-thinking:
Error-Error-Error-System overload!!!
B.A.C.O.N.-has-encountered-and-error-and-needs-to-close. Please-save-any-information-on-hardrive-and-restart:
AGH!
Send-error-report?
No
Command:/restart
…
Searching index files:
That’s better. There’s pig to be eaten …
B.A.C.O.N.-suggests-the-following-data-index. Humans-seem-to-enjoy-seared-porcine-flesh-when- consumed-with-more-seared-porcine-flesh. In-the-current-data-file-all-pork-and-bacon- fuels-are-generously-coated-with-boiled-sap-from -acer-sacchrum-and-acer-nigrum-species-of-tree. Also-known-as-maple-syrup.
Bacon-Wrapped Maple Pork Loin
Bacon and Pork together? Could there be anything better? God Bless whoever invented the pig!
(Brine)
8 cups water
1/3 cup kosher salt
2 tbsps maple syrup (Grade B or amber)
1/2 tsp crushed, pink peppercorns (use green or black if you dont have pink)
2 sprigs fresh sage
1 large garlic clove, minced
1 Turkish or 1/2 California bay leaf
1 (4-4 1/2-lb) boneless pork loin roast, trimmed (you can have your butcher cut one for you).
(Pork)
3 garlic cloves, finely chopped
2 tbsps finely chopped fresh sage
3 tbsps maple syrup (Grade B or amber)
16 bacon slices (about 1 lb)
1 tbsp cider vinegar
1/2 tspn cornstarch
1 tspn water
Also, make sure you have on hand an instant-read thermometer. First, brine the pork: combine all brining ingredients except pork loin in a 3-4-quart saucepan and heat over high heat, stirring, until salt is dissolved. Pour brine into a deep 4-5-quart pot; cool to room temperature, uncovered, about 2 hours.
Add pork to brine, making sure it is completely covered by brine, and marinate, covered and chilled, 8-24 hours. The longer it brines, the better the flavor. But do NOT go longer than 24 hours, or the brine will make the pork tough and gross.
The next day, roast the pork: Put oven rack in middle position and preheat oven to 350°F.
Pat pork dry (discard brine) and remove any strings, then transfer to a roasting pan. Stir together garlic, sage, and 1 tbspn syrup in a small bowl and rub the mixture all over pork. Lay bacon slices crosswise over the pork loin, overlapping slightly, and tuck ends of bacon underneath.
Roast pork until thermometer registers 140°F, about 1 1/4 hours. Stir together 1 tbspn syrup and vinegar until combined. Brush vinegar mixture over bacon slices and continue to roast pork until thermometer registers 150°F, about 10 minutes more. Remove from oven and let stand in pan 15 minutes.
Transfer roast to a cutting board with a lip, reserving juices in pan, and let roast stand, uncovered, while making sauce. No matter how tempting, PLEASE do not cut into it! All roasted meats need time to rest directly after being removed from heat.
Skim fat from pan juices with a spoon, and discard, then transfer juices (now jus or au jus sauce ) to a small saucepan and bring to a simmer. Stir together cornstarch and water until you have a smooth slurry, and whisk slowly into jus. Simmer, stirring constantly, until slightly thickened, about 1 minute. Remove from heat and stir in remaining tablespoon syrup. Serve pork with sauce.
Makes 6 to 8 servings.
Now my near-perfect creation, how can I take control of my boss, the magicspoon?
B.A.C.O.N.-is-thinking:
one-venti-carmel-macchiato-should-be-sufficient-for-total-control-
Alright, alright. This has gone on long enough …
It’s our Comicbloc editor and one of my nemesis’, Eric Moreno! What are you doing here?
I have come to stop you Sean. You’re out of control. You made Sharis into a robot and now you’re trying to take over the magicspoon. I cannot let you do that …
Oh what are you going to do Eric? Snap my neck? You realize that is highly un-original
This entire article is highly un-original, and I’ve come to put a stop to it.
[Editor’s note: I didn’t snap his neck … no, really, I didn’t; but I should have I mean come on … spoon gets something. You’ve got all this bacony goodness lying around and you can’t even share?]
spoon note: their plan failed. Only one coffee drink works for me and it certainly doesn’t have caramel or milk in it.
Sean Boyle is a Staff Writer at the ComicBloc. Sharis is the wife of Ethan Van Sciver (artist, amongst other things) and a professional cook. Some of these recipes are legal, some will get you in some legal trouble. All are, should you decide to make them, most assuredly excellent.
All images taken from various websites via the wonder of Google.