From The Horse’s Mouth

Heroes can be any grab bag of attributes mixed nicely together into one of the characters that we all know and love. So, what truly makes a hero? Who better to tell us than the heroes themselves!

If we look through our favorite protagonists there are some basic similar attributes like courageous and strong that are easy to pick out – healthy moral compass, dashing good looks and a likeability factor don’t hurt, either. But who’s to say what assets actually make up a hero? To find out, we figured, why not go straight to the source? So, The Cupcake Rogues packed their backs and headed out to visit not one, but two universes where superheroes are plentiful – the wonderful world of Marvel and DC – and asked the heroes themselves… What assets make a superhero? Here is how some of our interviewees answered this tough question.

Batman: *growls* “JUSTICE!! Oh and Bat Shark Repellent spray in the utility belt comes in handy.”

Magneto: “Meh, I go back and forth…”

Green Lantern: “You didn’t ask Batman this question, did you? Because he doesn’t even have any powers, you know!! He’s just a dude!!”

Thor: “Verily maidens, thou needeth courage, strength and an overwhelming desire to bash things into tiny bits with blunt objects. So sayeth, Thor!”

Aquaman: “How would I know? I’m Aquaman. Apparently being able to suck the water right out of your body and kill you on the spot isn’t cool enough to be anybody’s favorite hero! Let me guess, you just happened to run into me on your way from interviewing somebody ELSE from the Justice League?”
The Cupcake Rogues: *exchange nervous glances* “Ummmm…”  Aquaman: “DAMMIT!”

Rogue: “Not bein’ as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full a’ rockin’ chairs at the first sign a danger. It’s as easy as sliding off a greasy log – now, go on, I’m as busy as a stump tailed cow in fly time.”
The Cupcake Rogues: “Wha.. did she… did that answer the question?”

Hulk: “HULK SMASH!!!!”

Emma Frost: “Easy. Not reading your ex-wife-obsessed boyfriend’s mind even though you totally could.” *Sips cocktail*

Cyclops: “JEEEEAAAAANNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Wonder Woman: “There’s only one person I can think of that totally embodies the assets of a hero. *looks lovingly at the man to her right*
Superman: “Oh, no Diana, you are a hero amongst heroes. And beautiful to boot.”
Wonder Woman: “You’re more beautiful.”
Superman: “No, you are.”
Wonder Woman: “No, you are.”
Superman: “No, you a-”
Batman: *walks by* “SHUT UP! Nobody cares, guys! Nobody cares. Get a room.”

Power Girl: *Simply glances down at her own ample assets.*

Beast: “The characteristic of genuine heroism is its persistency. All men have wandering impulses, fits and starts of generosity. But when you have resolved to be great, abide by yourself, and do not weakly try to reconcile yourself with the world. The heroic cannot be the common, nor the common the heroic. – Ralph Waldo Emerson.”
The Cupcake Rogues: ….

Gambit: “Gambit don’t know nothin’ bout bein’ a hero, chére. I just like t’drink bourbon and steal and cheat on Rogue.” Rogue: “Dammit, Mystique, quit doin’ that! Ah’m not even datin’ him anymore!” *Gambit magically morphs into Mystique*
Mystique: “I meddle because I love, dear.”

Booster Gold: “Well I believe the only required assets are shaved lamb, tzatki and pita, but there’s always room to be creative.”
Blue Beetle: “Not a gyro, you idiot, a HERO. Look, ladies, everyone knows that a hero sandwich should have enough meats and cheeses to choke a donkey, but you should feel free to play around with the toppings at your leisure!”
Booster Gold: “I could totally go for a hero right now.”

Deadpool: “Ohmigod! Ohmigod! OhmiGOD! Are they asking me? They think I’m a hero?! Do you think this means the Avengers finally looked at my application? No, I don’t care that most of the hot chicks have left, I’ll just find other hot chicks. Of course I feel like tacos, what kind of question is that? Let me just answer these interviewers questions first and we’ll go down to the taco be – oh *@&#, when did they leave?!”

Namor: “I am above the assets that you attribute to your mere human heroes. You insult me again and I will break both your arms.”

The Flash: “A hero’s only as good as his rogues gallery. Mirror Master, The Trickster, Captain Cold…Yeah, they suck.”

Spider-Man: “Spandex tights! Beautiful, spandex tights! And I’ll tell ya what they don’t need: An emo dance montage.”

Thor: “Big, stupid muscles, and long luscious blonde locks and being daddy’s favorite!!!”
The Cupcake Rogues: “I thought we already did Thor?” 
*Thor magically morphs into Loki and runs off
*

Captain America: “Courage and Honor.”
The Cupcake Rogues: “And??”
Captain America: “…”
The Cupcake Rogues: “Aaaaaand?”
Captain America: *rolls eyes* “Fine, the super soldier serum is pretty handy, too.”

Iron Man: “Tons of cash and a few jets don’t hurt. So what are you doing after this? Interviewing must make you girls famished, how about we go back to my place and I’ll have Jarvis whip us up something…”

Quicksilver: “What do you mean that’s all the time you have today? I’m a hero, too! IamIamIamIamIamIamIamIamIam!!!!”

So, what have we learned about the assets needed to be a superhero? Umm, well, nothing it looks like. All of the superheroes we spoke with didn’t choose to be a hero, being a hero chose them, and perhaps that’s why it’s so hard to place that X-factor that makes a hero. No two heroes are alike, but they are all appreciated in a time of need. As Cap so eloquently put it (after we almost beat it out of him), it take courage to be a hero, but a little super-powered boost don’t hurt! (And, Tony, if you’re reading this… we had a great time, really. Call me? Please? PLEASE?!)

The Cupcake Rogues

From The Horse’s Mouth