Prime Cut

We interrupt your regularly scheduled ComicBloc for a special message from a very special guest, and some Modest Proposals he’d like to make.

[Editors Note:
The anonymity of the internet has the power to cut two ways: it removes personal responsibility for actions, and it also dehumanizes the impact of words on the recipient. Sometimes we want to say things, but we cannot, whether due to personal character, politeness, or political correctness. Sometimes people go too far, and devolve to personal insults – not because they are true, but because they don’t get ‘their way’. These raw things readers think and feel are usually not appropriate for external consumption, and if voiced can end up making them look like trolls, chumps, general forum flamers, or frankly, assholes. The age of the internet has removed some of the ‘personal responsibility’ barriers for people that like to rant, complain, or generally cause problems for online forums, or similar places of digital public discourse. Some is good: many fans are shy in person. Some, as you’ll see, is bad.

You be the judge, as you read our ‘guest’ columnist Superboy-Prime (the locus of so much trolling) below. Enjoy. At your own risk.]

Hello sheeple, this is Superboy-Prime. When I heard they were doing a creator arc at ComicBloc, I knew that none of the writers here would have the courage to tell you bunch of bootlicking apologists the real truth about these so called creators. So I “convinced” the staff to let me write this article. I’m gonna have to tell you what you don’t want to hear, but once I’ve opened your eyes (with my own hands if necessary), I’m sure you’ll thank me.

So let’s get right down to it. Creators. You know, I have another word for creators. Monsters. Or how about the most evil monsters in all of history? That’s a few more words, but I think the added degree of accuracy is worth it. To say that a slow death by torture is too good for every single individual who currently works in the comic book industry is, of course, understatement. (And by the way, that includes retailers. Thanks for killing spinner racks, jerks!) We all know this. But such sweeping statements fail to address the individual crimes against humanity these fiends have committed. They’ve been getting a free pass for too long! It’s time for someone to speak truth to power, and like always, it looks like that someone is gonna have to be me.

Now I know what you’re about to say, because you’re a bunch of predictable idiots. “Superboy-Prime, aren’t you being a hypocrite? Haven’t you killed a lot of people too?”

I guess that is something a moron might think, so let me set the record straight. My home, Earth-Prime, and the DCU are parallel dimensions. Ever hear of string theory? I did, once, from some dorky science type, and I’m pretty sure it had something to do with parallel dimensions. Well what happened to me while I was in the DCU was string theory. I was just a puppet on someone else’s strings. And who was pulling those strings? Someone whose name should be very familiar to regulars on this website.

That’s right, I’m calling out Geoff Johns on his own website. I’m not going to let the sycophants who run this dump silence me! He’s the one who wrote me into being a murderer. It’s his fault that I punched the head off of that Mexican catgirl that nobody ever cared about! He made me murder that Earth-2 villain who was retconned into being from World War II even though he never actually appeared  in any golden age comics! He even used me as his tool to fry pretty much everyone from Bloodlines who wasn’t Hitman! If that’s not a form of genocide, it should be. And let’s not forget Bushido, one of Johns’ own creations. That’s like sacrificing one of your own children! You know who else does that? Satanists. You heard it here first, folks, Geoff Johns worships the devil. Hey Johns, Risk may have lost both his arms, but he’s still got his legs. That’s two more limbs than you’re going to have if I ever find you.

Of course, Johns isn’t the only hack at Dumb Crap Comics. What about their other golden boy, Grant Morrison. He killed Martian Manhunter, the heart of the Justice League! Hey Morrison, just because you don’t have a heart doesn’t mean no one else can have one. Did he think it was okay because Johns would bring him back a year later? Oh yeah, resurrecting characters just so you can kill them over and over again. That suggests a healthy mental state. And then there was that ending where he had Batman go gun crazy, shooting people with bullets all over the place. Batman is supposed to have a pathological hatred of anything even remotely gun-shaped! Any true fan can tell you that! Speaking of Batman, wasn’t it Morrison who created the worst character in Batman history, Damian Wayne? Seriously, a whiny, murderous brat with huge entitlement issues who wants to someday take the place of a major hero? Who would want to read about a character like that? I say we ought to do to this self-proclaimed wizard what people did to his kind in the good old day and burn him at the stake.

But enough about the small fries. I’m sure they’d try to excuse their atrocities by claiming they were only following orders. Whose orders, you ask? Why, public enemy #1 himself of course, Dan Didio. My bodycount (which I’ll remind you I’m not responsible for) pales in comparison to this psycho. Remember when he killed Dick Grayson? Okay he didn’t actually go through with that one, but he wanted to! Besides, now Grayson is stuck with that awful red Nightwing costume, so he might as well be dead. I should give Didio a first hand demonstration of what he had Max Lord do to Ted Kord and put a bullet in him. If I get in trouble, I can just tell everyone I was emulating my hero, Morrison’s Batman.

Did you know Didio’s a misogynist too? I think I remember reading that on Bleeding Cool at some point. Makes sense, considering Gail Simone is the only female writer who works at DC. I can’t be misogynist, because my mom’s a big shot lawyer. It’s true! Look it up. Which means I can point out the fact that Simone ruined comics’ greatest disabled character just so she could relive her childhood. Hey Simone, I’ve got a refrigerator I’d sure like to introduce you to.

Feeling disillusioned, I recently starting looking into the competition to see if they produce comics that aren’t solely dedicated to making me miserable. Turns out, nope, they’re also doing it. You already know that the Spider-Man comics have been unreadable since Joe Quesada’s occult divorce storyline. I’m sure that change will stick around forever, Quesada, just like all the mutants you depowered. You should have called me to time-wall-punch your continuity problems away! I’m glad your such good friends with Mephisto, because you’re going to his kingdom when you die. From me killing you. I thought that part might have been a little too ambiguous, so I wanted to make it clear.

Of course, Marvel’s got their own stable of glorified fan fiction regurgitators. Take Brian Bendis for example. I’d claim he was replaced by a Skrull at some point in his career, but that wouldn’t explain why his work has always sucked. Even with everything I said about 616 Spider-Man above, at least he wasn’t killed off for the sake of tokenism. I was willing to forgive him for turning the Scarlet Witch into a delusional reality warper out of nowhere, but then he did the exact same thing to the Sentry! He took a Superman ripoff that everyone had forgotten about and brought him back just for the sake of turning him into an overpowered villain. Who would want to read about a character like that? Bendis has left me with no choice but to smack some sense into him. At this point, the only rational course of action seems to be hitting him with a building, over and over, until he is dead.

I’d also talk about Mark Millar, but what would be the point? It’s not like anyone other than Hollywood has liked anything he’s written since Civil War anyway. Still, I can’t just give in to him. You think this S on my chest stands for France? It seems like the industry would be a lot less terrible if he had never existed at all. Tell you what, I’ll just time-wall-punch to back when he was a baby and then through him out a window. Just think, the Marquis of Death will have never been created. Life might actually be worth living.

Oh, and because not enough people have said it, Rob Liefeld can’t draw even though he’s famous for being an artist, and for that reason I would be entirely morally justified for ripping his feet off and stuffing them behind his pectoral muscles.

I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. If you’re still unconvinced, don’t worry. I’m sure that one day you’ll wake up and come to understand: The lives of fictional characters who don’t exist are NOT more important than the lives of the real people who work on their comics. Once we all come to accept this, the world will be a much better place.

[Editor Note: Everything Superboy-Prime says above has been said on the internet by forum members, ‘fans’ of the comics, and readers at different points at the creators above. Most of it is pretty embarrassing to other comic fans. Most insulting to the creators. Don’t put words in Superboy-Prime’s mouth.

The ComicBloc does not condone or agree with any of “Superboy-Prime’s” invectives above, for what it’s worth]